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6 JUNIO 2020

Thinking amish

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Cae la tarde. Shawn aún no ha vuelto de la escuela. Plancho la ropa. La de mi padre, la de mi madre, la de mi hermano y la de mi hijo. Me quedo absorta en mis pensamientos. La habitación se va haciendo cada vez más oscura. Sólo cuando el negro es casi total decido encender una vela. Nosotros no usamos electricidad.

Estoy muy cansada. Soy la más fuerte de la comunidad: tengo fama incluso de ser como un hombre, ya que todos saben que, si por mí fuera, pasaría más tiempo arreglando los tejados y las grietas de paredes y los techos que cocinando y fregando cacharros. Pero las cosas que despiertan interés en mí son consideradas cosas de hombres.

Como decía, soy la mujer más fuerte de la comunidad. Pero me siento la más frágil.

No soy feliz aquí.

Después de planchar me siento en una silla de madera, en el comedor, y recorto folios en trozos bastante pequeños. Voy por la Biblia y la abro por cualquier parte. Escojo una frase, la que yo quiera, y la copio en el papel. Escojo otra frase y la copio en otro trozo de papel. Y así sucesivamente, a lo largo de toda la tarde. Me gusta hacer esto porque luego los papeles se reparten entre las personas de la comunidad, y a muchos nos sirve leerlas. A mí me sirvió cuando murió mi marido. Fue como un soplo de aire fresco.

Pero ahora todo es distinto. O igual, tal vez, pero más amargo. Muy amargo. Insoportablemente amargo. Sofocante.

Hace tiempo que le estoy dando vueltas. A abandonar la comunidad. Cuando me levanto por las mañanas, el primer pensamiento que tengo es ése. Mi mente lo ve entonces como una posibilidad nítida, clara. Bajo alegre las escaleras, soñando con ese mundo que existe muy cerca de nosotros y que aún podemos descubrir. Estoy alegre cuando sueño así. Pero enseguida me topo con mi hijo, con mi querido hijo, en la cocina desayunando con su abuela. Mi madre. Shawn y ella están muy unidos. Siempre lo han estado. Cuando los veo juntos, dejo de soñar. ¿Cómo podría quitarles la alegría que tienen por el hecho de que comparten sus vidas?

- Si dejas de ser uno de nosotros, no volveremos a hablarte. Si nos dejas, estás eligiendo el mal, el pecado, el infierno. Si te vas con los english, no irás al cielo-, me dijo, muy serio, mi padre hace varios años, cuando, viviendo aún mi esposo, les confesé que querría salir al mundo para explorarlo, conocerlo y amarlo.

Por supuesto que quiero ir al cielo. Lo que pasa es que tengo mis dudas acerca de la educación que hemos recibido. A nadie le parece bien cuestionarse las cosas, a nadie le parece bien que uno pregunte lo que no comprende: tienes que preguntar lo que ellos quieren que preguntes. Tienes que hacer lo que ellos te dicen. Tienes que vestir como visten ellos. No puedes decidir por tí mismo.

Sí, claro, claro que quiero ir al cielo... Lo que pasa es que quiero conocerlo todo. Y que Shawn pueda conocerlo todo también.

Ya es totalmente de noche. Entra mi madre en el comedor y, al ver el bote de cristal con todos los papeles doblados y metidos dentro, señal de que he cumplido con mi tarea, me mira tiernamente y me dice:

- Muy bien, hija. Nos ayudará a muchos.

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